Day 9

Day 9 went so well that I didn't even remember to post about it! Actually I was just really busy but it did go fairly well. I had to use the ice pack a couple of times just because I've been talking more. I had a friend over, talked on the phone, and went to book club. I was able to put off the meds for 4 1/2 hours one time but then the next I had to take them after 4 hours so I'll have to see how it goes today.

I was writing in my journal about all of this and it's funny because sometimes when I write, things come out that had not been fully present in my mind, like right in front of me, but rather in the back of my mind. That's one of the reasons I enjoy writing so I can clean all of those thoughts out and get my mind in order, do a sort of self inventory. Anyway I found myself writing how I felt this surgery prepared me for my next baby. Kind of random. But it made me feel strong again, by being able to go through it and see how I dealt with everything and it helped me feel like I am ready for the challenge of pregnancy and birth. I know a lot of women love being pregnant and have awesome hypno birthing stories where they feel closer to God and they completely trust their bodies ect. Well that is so not me. I figured this out when I went to a birthing class during my first pregnancy and learned about meditation. I was supposed to picture myself on a golden boat floating on a gentle stream, but I couldn't keep my mind that still. I did get on the golden boat but thinking about the gentle water made me think about how awesome it would be to jet ski on. And there I was passing all the golden boaters with a splash. haha. I got a little smile out of it, which gave my teacher the idea that I was right on track, oops. It's not that I thought I was better than the other boaters, or that I wanted to make a mockery of them, I just needed something else to do, which in the end did not benefit me one bit, in fact I remember thinking "damn jetski" while I was in labor.

No I don't really trust my body. When I get pregnant I feel like my body is kind of like, der? What is happening? and just makes me nauseated for 8 months just to pay for the confusion and then won't make any progress when it's time to get the baby out which is why I had a c-section with my first after 21 hours or labor. But back to this surgery..

I was sitting in the waiting room to go in to have my IV and prep and all that and my stomach was churning and my palms were sweating and I felt myself go into that state of mind where I knew things were going to be happening to my body that I wasn't going to have any control of and I wasn't prepared mentally for it. And then I thought of something a friend of mine said the minute she was going into labor which was "I trust my baby and my body and am focusing on a smooth and natural birth." That is a quote from her blog.

I admire people like that so much but I could never be one of them and frankly thought for a long time that it was all just a bunch of bologna.. But as I sat there in the waiting room I realized that I HAD to be like that. I'm only getting older, I'm going to have more health problems arise (this is not a negative attitude towards my health, just the knowledge of the natural process of aging and what comes with that). Another contributing factor to this thought could have been that I was looking around the waiting room and almost everyone, with the exception of one besides me was elderly.

But really what good does it do me to completely step out of my body in a sense and watch them do to it what they will while I tremble with panic at every pinch or prod? I realized that I needed and that I COULD take more control of my thoughts and attitude. So I started praying. I prayed that God would help me to do that, to realize the positive connection that I could have with my body, that I could trust in Him and in his creation (my body) to receive the surgery well, and heal on it's own. And it made all the difference. Like I said in a previous post, I was able to take the IV well, the surgery went great, the recovery has been long and hard but I am trusting in my body and have not had any complications, and have also been impressed to do or not do certain things that I believe have helped.

So 50 paragraphs later.... (: I learned a huge lesson from this surgery, and I'm glad I did it. I'm also glad that God gives us opportunities like this to learn and grow in our lives. I learned that it wasn't totally up to fate or to Doctors or a combination of the two as to what would happen to me in the clinic that day. I had some input in the matter, which I should have been putting in all along.